Give Me StrengthNew Year Resolutions all seem to have had several careless previous owners. We look at why we make lemons of our good intentions – and how to get the drive of your life.By Rachel Delahaye |
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What’s the plan this New Year’s Eve – tripping the disco light fantastic till sunrise? No, thought not. But while it’s now more hot toddy than hot-pants, not everything changes with age. Including New Year resolutions.
In fact, the custom of making New Year resolutions hasn’t changed in 2,159 years. That’s how long ago the Roman god Janus, depicted with two faces – one looking back and the other forward – was put at the head of the calendar year. And it’s thanks to this huge Janus that we not only get the word January, but the paranoid rush to repent for last year’s digestive biscuit consumption with a forward-looking promise never ever ever to buy a packet that requires pulling a little red tab.
Yes, smoking and biscuits are high on the nation’s resolutions list. And they come under the hard-knock banner of ‘giving up’. But there’s a difference between kicking out the cakes and kicking an addiction. In fact, there are plenty of differences between the typical resolutions, as we now explore.
The Hard Stuff New Year is the April Fools date in the say-it-and-mean-it calendar, because many of us aren’t really sold on it in the first place. But in some circumstances being sold alone doesn’t necessarily buy success. “There are a lot of people who do silly things – and they can stop doing them when they resolve not to,” says Dr Robert Lefever, of Promis Recovery Centre. “But about 10% can’t do that because they have an addictive tendency. People like Mark Twain, who said: “giving up smoking is easy – I’ve done it 19 times.”
Very often we think we can control things with will power, determination and common sense. Addicts can’t do that. “They may have will power elsewhere,” says Dr Lefever. “But not when it comes to mood-altering substances and processes. People who find that they can’t keep resolutions need to recognise they have a different type of problem – they have an addictive nature.”
Beating addiction requires support. Doing it – and failing it – alone, will only seek to confirm in your mind that ‘no matter how hard you try’ you just can’t give it up, and you’re fighting a losing battle. Not only against the drug but yourself.
“Acknowledge you have a problem,” says Dr Lefever. “You need someone else to guide you, be it AA or Nicotine Anonymous. If you have an addictive nature it won’t go away. Resolutions won’t work. Long term programmes do.”
Changing Habits You know that old habits die hard, and yet you humour them with totally conscious repeat behaviour. Of course you shouldn’t have a slice of Jamaican ginger cake (with marg) with every cup of tea… But if you justify it by saying, well, you always do: ergo, you always do. Changing our behaviour is not just about will-power. It’s about resetting our conditioned associations – be it drink and cigarettes, telly and ready-meals or sadness and a vanilla slice.
Your habit is governed by the mental connection made between an event – like making tea – and your response (buttering up a slice of Jamaican). “The key thing is to identify what triggers certain behaviours,” says Michael Carroll, founder of the NLP Academy. “Not only what triggers them but what the purpose is of that behaviour in the first place. E.g., what is it you think at a deeper level that cream cake does for you? Does it make you feel good or relaxed? If you step outside and consider that behaviour, it doesn’t actually do that. The trick is to find other ways to relax and make yourself feel good.”
Only by challenging yourself to scratch that reaction and reconsider the outcome can start to solve the problem. It may take will power. It may take group support. It may take help. But being aware of the habit – and what’s behind it – is the springboard to success. And your attitude.
“If your attention is purely on giving up you’ll associate loss with the choice you are making,” says Michael Carroll. “You have to have a focus on what it is you want to achieve – a positive. If you’re focusing on the new slim self, it will make the loss created by giving up those cream cakes seem less.”
Getting Moving “A New Year’s Resolution will only be successful if we feel really determined, inspired and excited about it and can commit to it whole-heartedly,” says Annabel Sutton of Life Designs. “If we feel it’s something we should do – then we’re doomed from the outset.” But in reaching a goal, often than the biggest hurdle is simply getting up and out of the starting blocks. Sometimes it’s the only one. But a lack of self-belief, self-esteem and self-confidence can kill any chance of being in the running, and when you’ve got no one to let down but yourself, it’s easy to switch to auto-pilot; you know, the Spanish one, that says Mañana mañana.
“If you’re lacking in self-confidence it’s easy to talk yourself down – tell yourself that you can’t do it, when of course you can,” says Annabel Sutton. “Much of your success will come from believing in yourself – and using some positive self-talk and/or visualisations to get you into the belief that you can achieve anything you want to.”
Better Parenting No matter how hard you try, you’re never quite Nigella. How does one do ‘voluptuous’ without the frump, or happy-smiley parenting alongside piping winter casseroles without burning the nippers (ouch)? One can’t, not 24 hours a day (and few of us even for one). That’s why ‘being a better parent’ is a repeat entry in the New Year top ten.
“It depends on your perception of parenting and what makes a good parent,” says Jackie Grier of Emerald Parent Coaching. “We all come to parenting with our own experiences from our childhood, which colours our view of what makes a good parent. This is also affected by media pressure.”
Perfect parenting is shoved at us from all angles, and no doubt even Nigella – get her on a burnt-scone, bad-hair day – will admit she could do better.
“I think most people would want to improve their relationships with their children, and increase their satisfaction with the role, thereby improving their own confidence,” says Jackie Grier.
And even with the excuses of overwork, financial stress and lack of support, we can do better; because under the weight of our outside commitments we lose sight of what we need to be doing inside the family unit, making the most of the little time we do have with our children.
“Improvements no matter how small can make an enormous difference to family life,” says Jackie Grier. “But it is the only job we would ever take on without training, so how can we be expected to know everything? Asking for help is a sign of strength, not failure. And choosing to make changes puts you back in control.”
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Family fortunes
Jackie Grier gives us her suggestions for instant parenting improvements.
Copy yourself in Children are mimics, so look at your own behaviour and ask: how do I behave? What could I do differently?
Give and take It’s not what you say but how you say it, so watch that tone of voice. And listen; look when they speak to you and respond.
Loud and clear Let them know when they are good with descriptive praise: “Thank you Johnny for putting your shoes on when I asked.”
Me time: Have some - you can’t be a better parent without fuel in your tanks!
Jackie Grier is a parenting expert, and a Registered Nurse & Health Visitor; www.emeraldparentcoaching.co.uk
Tipped for success
Annabel Sutton gives us hope with her resolution-busting tips.
Check in with yourself How committed are you to achieving each goal? Make sure it’s something you really want to do. If you can’t commit to it whole-heartedly let it go.
Chunk it down into small action steps A large goal can seem quite overwhelming. Small goals will seem a lot more doable and achievable.
Make it visible Make a wall-chart showing all the action steps you need to take to reach your goal. Leave a space so that you can tick your achievements. It’s really motivating to be able to watch your progress.
Ask for support This is so important! Decide exactly what kind of support you need (someone to check up on you, cheer your progress, reassure you when you falter, etc.). Ask friends, family, colleagues or a professional coach. It’s extremely motivating to know that there are others out there who are keeping you on track and accountable.
Make it real This is one of my favourite exercises for any time of year. Imagine you’ve already reached your goal(s) and write a description of what this feels like. Where are you? What are you doing? What do you look like? Who are you with? How are you feeling? Make the description as real as you can. Most importantly write it in the NOW – as if it’s already happened. Keep it and keep reading it.
Annabel is a Coach University Graduate, member of the International Coach Federation; www.life-designs.com
A problem shared
Personal willpower is important; but often talking through the deeper reasons why you became dependent can help you understand why you need to change. Looking at the past and the issues that relate to (or connect to) your present feelings sheds light on who and how you are – sometimes it's good to get a ‘buddy’ (and the twelve-step recovery programmes rely heavily on this method). Alternatively, a counsellor is detached, yet 'on your side' and can give the insight and support needed to secure the changes you've made.
By Eleanor Creed-Miles, Psychotherapist, Counsellor and Supervisor
