Ding Dong or Merrily?While the nodding Santa in the window’s putting a positive face on festivities, the reality inside can be a different story. |
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Tis the season to be jolly, but despite the cheery slogan, Christmas is as famed for its feuds as it is for family fun. While some are snoring peacefully in front of a flickering telly, others are rolling their eyes in front of roaring shoot-outs as near and extended family get feisty.
“Family disagreements often happen because family members who would usually spend little time together are expected to attend gatherings and get along for hours on end,” says Claire Halsey, Consultant Clinical Psychologist. Indeed, if there’s a clash of personality or bygone bone of contention, all the tinsel in the world won’t help.
“You could try talking things over before the festivities or, if people really can’t agree, arrange celebrations separately so people all have a chance to meet,” says Claire Halsey. “If you’re all getting together don’t try to pretend you all get on, but at least agree between yourselves not to bring up subjects which always cause a row.”
“People need space and boundaries, as well as kinship and intimacy on these occasions, so forcing people together can often generate anxiety,” agrees Gwion Jones of CH Counselling. “That’s why January is often our busiest period for new referrals. From 20 years experience in the profession, I see it as a turning point for many as it can expose ongoing difficulties in relationships and marriages, and stirs up difficult issues going right back to childhood even. In our line of work we are well aware of the fact that Christmas isn't necessarily a time for happiness.”
Especially when there’s a generous measure of Christmas spirits in the mix. While a tipple or two can take the edge off things, in potentially flammable situations it can light the match. A few too many and it’s not just the vodka on the rocks; and all those good tight-lipped intentions can unravel in an instant and spark conflict. “The effect of alcohol is a catalyst for being outspoken and taking things to extremes that might otherwise be avoided,” says Claire Halsey.
“At Christmas families are often together sometimes only for an annual gathering and huge amounts of alcohol and food are consumed. A sherry in the morning to start Christmas Day is common, followed by a walk usually ending up in a pub. After that the food and alcohol consumption often begins in earnest,” says Peter Thorogood, CEO of the Worcester Community Alcohol Team. “It is very difficult to avoid being sucked into this “happy” culture.”
“Obviously starting to drink later in the day is a sensible option, also ensure that you have eaten before drinking. Food slows down the ingestion of alcohol and there is less chance of becoming drunk quickly. Try to alternate an alcoholic drink with a soft drink, it isn’t difficult – and you won’t look like a party pooper! Also add soda water or lemonade to your drink. Perhaps its not possible to avoid the over-indulgence, but it is always worth remembering: 90% of us like to drink alcohol but nobody likes a drunk.”
But while the grown-ups struggle to act their age, children will be children, regardless. And that sepia cine-film of little Johnny clutching an Airfix model with a gob-smacked expression that says ‘gosh, daddy, it’s all I ever wanted’ belongs – along with the glee of boiled sweets – in a time capsule marked ‘the good old days’. For modern-day monkeys, a whittled whistle and pull-along duck ain’t going to cut the English mustard. Kids want the ‘it’ toy. Well, either that, or whatever big sis has got.
“Present envy can be minimised but never really avoided – it is a child’s version of the grass is greener on other side of the fence!” says Claire Halsey. “And children’s play can become too boisterous and even aggressive at times of strong emotions.”
Before you can say ‘Good Tidings’ there’s a scuffle, a kerfuffle, a bit of ruff and tumble, and a toy who, as it turns out, was just for Christmas. So be prepared.
“Have children make a list and be prepared to double up and give the same gift to both children,” suggests Claire Halsey. “Stay calm and suggest solutions such as using Christmas or pocket money to buy the same or similar gift after Christmas. Often children won’t want to as the first flush of jealousy will have worn off.”
Kids will eventually fall asleep, but one factor that will keep you awake – and possibly kick-start a fight in its wake – is finance. When you’ve stretched your bank balance to its overdraft limits, something has to snap.
While we all want to convey limitless generosity on such occasions, there’s no shame in admitting that, actually, there is some expense spared. We forget that presents are supposed to be a token, not a right! It’s a tough nut to crack when advertising is telling you to buy, buy, buy – presents, decorations, food, nice wrapping… the perfect Christmas.
“Impossible expectations is the key factor,” says Gwion Jones. “Culturally, especially with the influence of the media, so much store is put on the 'perfect' image of the family at Christmas, hence exposing its lack in your own family, which simply adds fuel to the fire.”
Overindulgence, close proximity and unrealistic expectations are the dodgy presents in the Christmas cracker. So pace the drinking, go easy on each other, prepare and pre-empt – after all, it’s only the halls we want to be decking this Christmas…
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Keep the kids from going crackers!
With these tips by Claire Halsey, presenter of ITV’s Driving Mum and Dad Mad
Set clear ground-rules about how you expect children to behave together, for example: “In this family we treat each other gently and keep our hands to ourselves”.
Let children know clearly what will be happening when. There is nothing so frustrating to a child than not knowing when they can open their presents!
Keep an eye on what they are eating and drinking. Large quantities of food and drink, high in sugar and full of caffeine, can result in poor behaviour.
Involve children as much as possible, from baking to helping lay the table. They’ll love the time with you, and the sense of achievement and responsibility.
Get out on Christmas day to walk off some of that lovely food; it takes the heat out of any tensions and gives children a chance to let off steam after being cooped up in the house.
Keep it together in the family
With tips from CH Counselling family counsellor Gwion Jones
Be respectful: everyone has individual differences and preferences – remember, not everyone wants to drink, got to the pub or even eat meat. And some may want time on their own. It’s not an insult, it’s called personal space.
Be realistic: magical as Christmas is meant to be, it’s naive to expect yourself to be able to produce miracles! The stress of taking on this degree of responsibility can often make things worse.
Be sensible: if events do go with a bang, the worse thing in many ways is to bury your head in the sand until next time, hoping things will just go away. Invariably they don't. Sometimes things need to escalate to crisis point before we face up to them. Most people see counselling as a last resort, but catching things before it’s too late might make more sense.
