EI EI OHrhyme and reason for life By Naomi Bradshaw |
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‘Anyone can become angry – that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way – this is not easy.’
Aristotle, The Nicomachean Ethics
The fascination with IQ dates back to the ‘Age of Reason’ in 17th and 18th century Europe, when philosophers began to explore and promote the importance of ‘rational’ thought as the means to achieving human perfection. And to this day parenting and education is geared to maximise children’s intellectual abilities; ergo the drive for learning-rich materials such as ‘Baby Einstein’ books and toys. But Emotional Intelligence (EI) or Emotional Quotient (EQ) – something that has only really been studied in last decade – is doing well in class.
In the mid-nineties psychologist Daniel Goleman published a ground-breaking book entitled Emotional Intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ (Bloomsbury Publishing). Now a number-one bestseller, the book introduces the principle that the ability to operate in an emotionally balanced manner is likely to greatly increase your chances of a happy, successful and fulfilled life; more so than having a high level IQ.
EQ versus IQ
The common generalisation is that those with a low IQ tend to have lower status jobs than those with a high IQ, but this is by no means a steadfast rule. “…IQ contributes about 20% to the factors that determine life success,” says Goleman. And it has been suggested the most important things that determine a person’s place in society are related to non-IQ factors varying from social class to luck. Goleman suggests, quoting evidence provided from studies using modern technologies that have identified specific ‘emotional areas’ of the brain, that the effects of our emotions on our actions are far greater than those of our intelligence. Take Emotional Hijacking, for instance, where emotion overrides rationality, like when we put our lives before those of our children in a dangerous situation, a result of love. Or go to war, for hate.
Where intellectual prowess ends and emotional intelligence begins, the focus falls upon areas such as the ability to motivate oneself, regulate one’s moods, to empathise with others and have a positive outlook on life.
Practicing EI
So how do we practice temperance; how to survive the storms of life without suppressing emotions, rather to have a balance, knowing every emotion has a value and significance?
As adults, the control of our emotions is virtually a full time occupation and we spend much time attempting to affect our emotional state, for example by reading specific types of books or watching certain TV programmes. Individuals with knowledge of Yogic philosophy and meditation techniques may have the skills that can enable them to manage their emotions in a more healthy manner. This allows them to keep the balance so that they can interact in everyday relationships and handle life’s challenges within the spectrum of emotional intelligence. The attainment of EI can be a lifetime’s work; therefore the earlier we start the better.
Born Clever
Within the first year of a child’s life our opportunity to nurture and influence EI development is immense. Awareness of emotions begins as early as the second trimester of pregnancy when the foetus is aware of and responds to a mother’s emotions, as well as to external stimuli such as variations in light, noise, and even tone of voice. The newborn child acts as a sponge to its surroundings and the people who share it with him, constantly absorbing information from experiences in its new environment.
Smart Kids
It was stated by Dr Stanley Greenspan, Clinical Professor of Psychiatry, Behavioral Sciences, and Pediatrics at George Washington University Medical School, that “… we learn about relationships and emotions in our early childhood years – when our central nervous system is growing most rapidly – it is ‘engraved’ into our neural pathways. The absorption rate is highest in early childhood, and it is for this reason that, as parents, we have both the opportunity and the responsibility of most significantly affecting our children’s EQ (EI).”
Encouraging eye contact, sensitive touch, relaxation techniques and verbal praise are all key elements to laying the foundations for healthy development of EI in both infant and parents.
But EI begins long before the brain develops verbal communication skills. Infants show evidence of their innate natural EI as they have an awareness of the necessity to relax and centre themselves. Self calming is achieved through actions of sucking, bringing the hand to the mouth, grasping an object, for example a blanket, finger or lock of hair, curling up into the foetal position and/or body rocking, also averting eye contact to avoid stimulation. It is interesting to acknowledge that as adults we implement many of the same behaviours, i.e. smoking, hugging ourselves and pacing. All of which are variations on a theme of the described infant behaviour.
As the baby grows its EI becomes more sophisticated. By nine or 10 months he is able to ‘read’ a parent’s facial expressions, able to recognise when mother is relaxed or anxious, happy or sad, or whether father is interested or bored; and baby will respond in accordance to this awareness of its parent’s emotional states.
Babies and toddlers actively learn EI through interactions and environment. In the first three to four years of life the brain grows to near two thirds its full size, evolving in complexity at a faster rate than it ever will again; it’s a period during which key learning takes place more effortlessly than later in life.
Parenting EI
We can now consider how we are able to most effectively enhance children’s EI through our own actions and emotional behaviour. In his book Goleman refers to the example of a two-month-old baby crying for milk in the early hours of the morning. Scenario 1: the mother can attend to her child with affectionate gazes, softly spoken words for the infant that she is happy to see even in the middle of the night, finally laying the baby down who contentedly drifts back to sleep. Scenario 2: the mother could be tense and irritable as she has only an hour previously fallen asleep after an argument with her husband. She abruptly attends to the baby, saying, “Please be quiet, let’s just get it over with!” The infant, sensing his mother’s stress, squirms and stops feeding, aggravated further the mother puts the child back in its cot saying, “Fine, if that’s all you want!”, leaving the baby to cry until it falls asleep out of exhaustion.
It isn’t hard to identify which of the two scenarios is more beneficial for the infant’s (and the mother’s) EI. They are two ends of a spectrum of behaviour that most parents would recognise in their own experiences. The first example is likely to teach a baby that people can be trusted to notice his needs and be relied upon to help – and also that he is effective in communicating his need for help. The second would teach baby that people cannot be relied upon, and that his efforts to communicate his need will be met, ultimately, with failure.
Continued repetition of these messages over years forms the core of a child’s emotional view of the world and their capabilities through life. Obviously if the parenting skills are greatly inept; drug abuse, physical abuse and neglect of the child’s basic needs, this can lead to a child being anxious, inattentive and alternately aggressive and withdrawn. Physically or emotionally abused children appear to have weak language skills in general, but specifically in relation to emotional expression. In many of these cases these children are likely to grow into adults and possibly, as the circle of life denotes, parents who have difficulty functioning in an emotionally healthy manner.
Children learn through imitation. The ability to model behaviour that will enable your child to develop their EI is paramount to being able to educate them emotionally. Dr Kathryn Barnard, leading researcher at the University of Washington, gives the example of 21-month-old Davie and his mother: “Davie watched intently as his frantic mom ran around trying to fix her third-grader’s lunch, answer an urgent call from her office, and get Davie ready for daycare all at the same time. Suddenly he saw her stop, sit down at the kitchen table, and say, “Whoa, I need to take a deep breath.” After a minute or two, she got up and resumed her chores with a good deal more calm, not giving the incident further thought. But that evening, she watched with fascination as her toddler, terribly frustrated by not being able to get his doll’s hat to stay on straight, stopped what he was doing and took a great big breath—just like he’d seen her do. Clearly, Davie had learned an important lesson about self-composure from his high-EQ (EI) mom.”
The importance of educating the next generation about the necessity for EI is a goal that we can now address as parents, teachers, family and friends.
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For further information
First Feelings
(Penguin) by Dr Stanley Greenspan
Building Healthy Minds:
The Six Experiences That Create Intelligence and Emotional Growth in Babies and Young Children
(Perseus Publishing) by Dr Stanley Greenspan
Set in Type Cast
The way we deal with our emotions is a key aspect of EI and it plays a vital role. There are three ways in which individuals manage their emotions.
Self-awareness is the term used to describe one’s attention to one’s inner state of consciousness, and probably the healthiest way of working with emotions as it enables the individual to have clarity about their emotions, therefore strengthening other personal traits. They are usually aware of their emotional boundaries and generally have a positive outlook on life. This awareness allows the individual to recognise and manage their emotions more effectively.
Being engulfed is when the person who allows their emotions to engulf them finds that they are controlled by their moods and swamped by their emotions, giving them little or no perspective.
Accepting personalities come in two types: those who are usually in a good mood, so have no motivation to change. And those who are prone to bad moods but take no action to remedy the situation, despite their distress. This is often the case in individuals who suffer with depression.
Yoga Match
Yoga is often connected to EI, as it is seen as a practice that develops EI. Yoga concentrates on self-awareness and self-control, and in turn allows you to see and empathise with emotions in others; the side-result being that you can ‘deal’ with that person on a more rational, and productive level.
