Parents PresentIt sounds like something we do the other side of a double espresso, but Conscious Parenting |
THINKING FOR OURSELVES
Hilary Jackson, founder of
www.consciousparenting.co.nz and www.labouroflove.org magazine
For years our Westernised society has listened to ‘experts’ with theories on parenting, expounding values that seemed important at the time. Many of these practices have become so ingrained in our culture we hardly stop to question them anymore. One of the primary culprits is the urgency to push our children towards independence way before they are ready. Serving the value of independence means children are continually subjected to practices such as ‘crying it out’, sleeping alone in a separate room, being breastfed for a short time (if at all), eating solids early, separation from mother; and spending long periods of time isolated in cots, pushchairs and bouncers means they miss out on crucial brain-enhancing touch and contact.
Research clearly shows that when our needs are met consistently, in a loving and responsive manner, it lays down a solid foundation for a loving sense of self. Human beings need to be allowed to be dependent for true independence to grow. When we are forced before time, we close up. Cut off. Learn that our needs are not important – and so stop having them. And pass that conditioning on.
We cannot deny our decisions impact upon who our children will become. But in recognising these impacts we can begin our own personal road to the creation of a family life that consciously draws on the good we received, and abandons the negative. We can become conscious parents. And if we can allow our children to really attach, they will be more fully able to develop as loving human beings; more able to connect and care for what needs
INSIDER DEALINGS
By Jackie Grier, Emerald Parenting Coaching www.emeraldparentcoaching.co.uk looks at making change happen.
Parenting today is often thought to be more challenging than it was for our parents. But perhaps life is just more of an overall challenge and our expectations higher. You only have to think about the fast pace of our society: fast food, fast cars, one hour photo shops and while-youwait services .We live in a fix-it-quick culture.
Because of this many parents feel that a quick solution can be found to deal with their children’s behaviour. But behaviour does not change or develop overnight – it requires some serious thought and action for positive changes to be achieved. There are three key steps that can help you become more aware of your parenting and initiate positive change should you desire it.
1. Be true Take a moment to look in the mirror and consciously notice what you do as a parent. Pay attention to what you do right. A confident parent, like a confident child, responds to praise and encouragement. If we are honest, we know when we have shouted too much and why. What we fail to notice is when we do listen, praise and encourage our children, or spend time with them even after a hard day at work. Our confidence in getting it just right is handed on! Behaviour breeds behaviour.
2. Be consistent What message does your behaviour give to your children? Do you follow through with your threats or promises? Do you allow your mood to influence your decisions? Good parents plan ahead and consciously think about how they will handle situations. Decide what the ground rules are and communicate these to the whole family before conflicts arise.
3. Be patient Remember how long it has taken for these patterns to develop. Take small steps and remember to praise yourself and your child when you have any successes, no matter how small.
VOICE OF CHANGE
By Jonti Fields, a regular father with a spiritual answer.
It should be a sepia-stained portrait of family contentment. A “Night Jim-Bob” and lights out for yet another good night’s sleep. Looking through candid-cam, however, the reality of bedtime for most is more like Custer’s Last Stand. But it’s never the final battle. It’s daily; anticipated, expected and dreaded.
There’s plenty of advice out there: get a nightlight, blackout the window… But begging for this quick fix is indicative of the way many of us parent. We rush it, or do what we have to do before we can finally grab some me-time, G&T-time, telly-time. But is that what it’s all about, really? Getting the job done – putting it to bed? And do we want to slot someone else’s advice into our family life: have them parent for us?
Many of our interactions become automated over time – so we may not be able to feel a natural parenting approach and therefore need influence. Automating various tasks is useful, but it’s not healthy in parenting. In making interactions with our children as conscious and considered as possible, the platform for change is realised.
Take bedtime, when the kids are hyped up. Mum says in whining voice that it’s time for bed, kids then react to whining voice and the whole vicious cycle of bad bedtime behaviour begins. But that whiney, pathetic, nasal, given-up-already voice comes from the throat area. A voice of persuasion and power comes from speaking from the solar plexus area or an area below the belly button. Alternatively a voice of calm and love comes from the heart area – it vibrates at a certain frequency that reverberates with the kids and ‘entrains’ their own sense of calm.
By de-automating our routines and consciously speaking from a different part of the body, such as the heart (not the ‘had it!’) we can introduce positive change. It’s common sense. Leading by good example and sincere tenderness is crucial for creating a sense of security in a child.
You may be unconsciously
parenting when:
• Your child does/says something you think is ‘stupid’
• When you always find their games irritating
• If you get ‘in a strop’ with your children
Tips for staying conscious
• They’re only kids: don’t expect them to have adult reactions or reasoning. They won’t always understand what you want of them.
• Be childish: celebrate their childhood and get involved in their play. Or at least let them play without judgement.
• Look in the mirror: your children mimic you. If you don’t like their behaviour it could be that ‘you started it!’.
• Stop: before you give an emotionally charged look or shout., think about how you could be
